Blog #5 - Pulling in Support: Reframing the Pull Yourself Up by Your Bootstraps Mentality

Hi and welcome back to Voice for Wellness!

In last month's post, “I'm Uncomfortable Being Uncomfortable,” I talked about manageable discomfort and the importance of practicing sitting with it. Instead of immediately turning to whatever vice or distraction we use to avoid uncomfortable feelings, I encouraged us to pause and ask, "What can I do to help myself through this discomfort?"

But another side to that conversation is just as important: recognizing when discomfort has moved beyond what we can manage on our own.

There is a difference between the inevitable discomforts of everyday life and something that requires additional support. Sadness, boredom, stress, and loneliness are normal emotions that we will all experience. But what happens when sadness becomes persistent, stress becomes overwhelming, anxiety begins interfering with everyday life, or loneliness becomes chronic?

Learning to sit with discomfort matters. Knowing when to ask for help matters, too.

In the U.S., we are often taught to value a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality, the idea that if you work hard enough and push through, you should be able to handle whatever life throws at you on your own. This metaphor falls short for plenty of reasons in a society where success depends on far more than self-determination and grit. Not to mention, pulling yourself up by your bootstraps is literally impossible.

And maybe that's part of the point: we aren't meant to do everything on our own.

This becomes especially important when we're already struggling. Sometimes helping yourself begins with acknowledging, “I'm struggling more than usual, and I can't do this alone.” That realization itself isn't always easy. When independence and self-reliance are treated as signs of strength, asking for help can feel like admitting we can't handle things on our own.

But needing other people isn't a failure of independence; it's part of being human. Humans have always depended on one another for survival, safety, caregiving, and belonging. Long before modern society, living within a community and maintaining relationships with others were essential to survival. Our circumstances may look very different today, but our need for connection and support hasn't simply disappeared.

So when sadness becomes overwhelming, loneliness becomes chronic, or anxiety and stress begin interfering with everyday life, perhaps the answer isn't always to try harder to “pull ourselves up.” Sometimes, the most important thing we can do for ourselves is recognize that we need someone else to help us find our footing. 

But while we're often taught to keep getting back up when we're down, we aren't always taught how to ask someone to help us back up.

So, what does asking for support actually look like?

Maybe it starts with a simple question: What kind of support do I need right now?

Do I need someone to simply sit with me and listen? Sometimes, feeling heard, understood, and cared for is enough. Maybe I don't need advice or a solution, I just need someone to know that I'm having a hard time.

Other times, I might need someone to help me problem-solve. Maybe I need to bounce ideas off someone, talk through an uncomfortable situation, or hear an outside perspective when I'm too caught up in my own thoughts to see things clearly.

Or maybe I need a distraction. I might need a friend who can get me out of the house, go for a walk with me, make me laugh, or remind me there is a world outside whatever is consuming my thoughts at that moment.

Support can also be practical. Maybe I'm overwhelmed by something I physically need to get done, and I could ask someone to help. Or maybe I don't even know exactly what I need, I just need the reminder that I'm loved and that there are people willing to be there for me while I figure it out.

I think it's important to recognize that not everyone in our lives has to support us in the same way. We may have one friend who is an incredible listener and another who always knows how to make us laugh. Maybe there's a family member we turn to for advice, a coworker who understands a particular stress we're experiencing, or someone who simply shows up when we don't want to be alone.

Part of learning how to ask for support, then, might also be learning who to ask for what. Instead of expecting one person to know exactly what we need or meet every need, we can start building a network of support, different people we can lean on in different ways.

And sometimes, the support we need may extend beyond the people already in our lives. Sometimes, talking to a friend, going for a walk, or asking someone for advice isn't enough. Recognizing that can be just as important as recognizing that we need support in the first place. 

Luckily, there are more ways to access mental health support than we might realize. From peer-support groups and free counseling services to crisis hotlines and youth wellness centers, there are resources designed to meet people wherever they are in their mental health journey. And finding the right support might take some trial and error. What works for one person might not work for another, and that's okay.

Local to the Bay Area, here are a few: 

allcove! allcove provides free, welcoming, and inclusive spaces for youth 12-25. They offer mental health support, peer support, substance-use support, family support, and help with school and employment

Soluna! Soluna is a completely free app that provides judgment-free support from a trained Soluna Coach (not a bot), with flexible options to fit your life. Drop in or book a video, phone, or text chat in English or Spanish, with scheduled tele-coaching in all 19 Medi-Cal threshold languages — no insurance needed. 

Check out the California Department of Public Health Crisis Hotlines and Warmlines resource list, where you can find contacts that work for you! 

Warm Line Directory. Connect with a peer-support warmline for compassionate, non-judgmental listening that is local to you! 

988 Life Line. Call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Hotline for 24/7, 365 immediate, free, and confidential support. 

And I think that's what I want to leave you with: asking for help is not the opposite of helping yourself. Sometimes, it's the most important part of it.

We've been taught to keep getting back up when life knocks us down, to push through discomfort, and to figure things out on our own. And while there is certainly value in learning to navigate challenges independently, there is just as much value in recognizing when we need someone else.

So maybe it's time we rethink the whole “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality. Because the reality is, none of us got to where we are entirely on our own, and none of us should be expected to navigate life's hardest moments alone.

Sometimes, instead of pulling ourselves up, we need to learn how to pull others in.

Samara - Advocate for AES :) 

References:

1. Allcove San Mateo - allcove. (n.d.). https://allcove.org/centers/san-mateo/

2. Free & Confidential Mental Health Support for CA youth. Free & Confidential Mental Health Support for CA Youth. (n.d.). https://solunaapp.com/

3. Health, D. of P. (n.d.-a). Crisis hotlines & resources. Crisis Hotlines & Resources. https://www.cdph.ca.gov/Programs/CCDPHP/DCDIC/SACB/Pages/Crisis-Hotlines--Resources.aspx

4. Warmline Directory — find peer support. (n.d.-b). https://www.warmline.org

5. 988 lifeline. 988 Lifeline. (n.d.-a). https://988lifeline.org/